I’ve just been waiting for the right time. I guess there’s no better time than after a couple or 600 beers.


Has anyone looked at any freelance jobs online lately? HAVE YOU? Well I did. Things have been jobless and weird around here, so yeah, I fucking gave them a look [this is obviously before I became a semi-successful part-time Nanny/Tutor/Lego Master]. Settle down.


ANYWAY there’s a lot of weird shit on there. In case you are not familiar, mostly it’s someone somewhere in a creepy part of the world offering to pay you $1 per 1000 words for like ghostwriting erotic novels and/or writing articles about exercise equipment. BIG MONEY TYPE OF THINGS, YOU KNOW.


I obviously applied for approximately 10-20 jobs that I was absolutely not qualified for and was offered zero of them. You know, the sort of jobs that I have never in my life done before but I was like, hey, what the hell it’s just the internet they don’t know me. PAY ME TO BE HORRIBLE AT THAT JOB ALREADY.

But finally one day out of the goddamn blue I got a response. Someone wanted to interview me for a long-term job. And not just any job.The actual title was/is “Online Dating Communications“.


When I first saw the message, I thought – HOLY SHIT: this could be the most amazing thing to ever happen to me At the very least, I would have so many things to talk about at parties and/or in my living room to my cats and boyfriend. I was seriously hysterical about this job for approximately 72 hours. I was walking on fucking sunshine. I told my friends about it and acted like it was basically me time traveling back to 2007 and being the next assistant to Paris Hilton. I was pretty certain that this could be the best story ever told. I almost contacted US Weekly.

The ad was asking for someone to review their personal dating profile, edit it, and then send multiple messages every day to people with the goal of obtaining at least 2-3 dates per week for the ’employer’.  Bonus for me: it was a huge uncomfortable yet beneficial coincidence that this person was from Seattle, because fucking duh – I know some things to do around town that aren’t stupid. I ALSO met my current hot slice of a beefcake man on the exact same dating website a few years ago, so I know how this shit goes. OBVIOUSLY THIS SLIGHTLY QUESTIONABLE JOB WAS CREATED FOR ME.


In my head I had tried to convince myself that this person was just too pre-occupied with their job to do the work of a peasant [and they also happened to be employed at a large fancy company that’s like super trendy to be hating on right now]. SO I THOUGHT, HEY, THEY MUST OBVIOUSLY BE JUST TOO BUSY BEING RICH TO TYPE “HEY A/S/L” TO PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET. I mean, I get it. Money is exhausting.


But then I had the Skype interview and everything changed. I saw their face and they saw mine and I hated it. I found out that they weren’t too busy to A/S/L some bitches, they just didn’t want to. They would just rather pay someone to do it and were 100% OK with deceiving people just in hopes of getting some slimy action. And suddenly I had a Tourette-style urge to scream obnoxious thoughts. WHAT IF THEY ASK ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD PET? I CAN’T JUST MAKE UP YOUR FAVORITE FRO-YO FLAVOR. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SHOW UP IN PERSON AND YOU’RE NOT AS COOL AS I’VE PORTRAYED YOU ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB. Etc Etc.


You’ll be glad to know that I ended up turning down the job because it made me feel like one of those douchebag guys on Bravo who are like 12 years old and sell real estate.

SO TRUTH BE TOLD this was my actual real first job possibility since I’ve moved to Germany. And more importantly, please keep in mind that anyone you talk to on dating websites could possibly be me sitting at home breathing heavily [and not the stallion you’re hoping for]. Good luck.