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There's no name for what this is

I'm an American living abroad and I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

European Shutters: A Love Story

Look at this bullshit:

daswetter

Feast your eyes on Thursday and Friday. Just look at what it shows there. Do you know what that means for me? Do you even understand how sweaty I’m going to be? I’m pretty sure Europeans don’t sweat, like I literally never see people sweating here [but that’s another blog entry for another time]. I sweat just thinking about the idea of sweating. I’m sweating right now.

itssohot

Listen, I know I’ve bitched extensively about some things here that I just simply do not agree with [THE LACK OF AIR CONDITIONING UNITS, RESPECTIVELY] because I’m an American who just constantly wants more than whats available to me at all times. But you know what? Germany/Europe/I don’t know where else I just know NOT America have a pretty genius thing going on over here and it has the ability to completely block out all of the beaming sun boners.

toomuchsun

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS SEXY PIECE OF WORK:

shutters

I first learned of these fuckers when Borja and I went to Vigo, Spain during Christmas a few years back when we stayed with his precious mother. The guest room that we stayed in had them, and at first I didn’t understand their purpose. WHY NOT JUST USE THE CURTAINS, I THOUGHT. But then after a few too many late nights out drinking enough to kill a horse, resulting in many a day being painfully hungover in bed for as long as physically possible, I realized what a national treasure they were.

blindnowisee

BECAUSE THEY BLACK OUT THE ROOM. You can make it permanently dark in your bedroom forever if that’s what you’re into. And we are, so we did. Like all of the timeI’m not even sure that I ever saw the sunlight in Spain. It was then that I finally understood: curtains are a waste of goddamn time. But then, naturally, I came back home to Seattle and forgot about everything that I had discovered because I forget absolutely everything that ever happens. Honestly, I’m dangerously close to having to Memento my way forward in life.

whoami

Until we moved to Germany, and then there they were again just waiting to embrace me, my hangovers, and overall shut-in lifestyle. I know people in America are probably like WAIT WHAT, WE HAVE THOSE TOO, AND MINE HAS AN EAGLE ON IT.

eagle

Shut up, you do not. These are American “shutters”:

americanshutters

Dumb and stupid. I can still see all of the cheery light and life sneaking in through those cracks. There are probably people jogging out there with their dogs while talking about current events.

gloriousmorning

NO, I DON’T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR THOUGHTS ON HILARY CLINTON’S PANT SUIT AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I REALLY DON’T CARE ABOUT BOBBY’S UPCOMING SOCCER MATCH WITH THE BLUE MOUNTAIN KICKER KIDS. Get out of my life!

no

The shutters here can even be adjusted to fit your level of hangover/anger/overall antisocial levels. Just so you can get an idea of what we’re working with here, I took the opportunity to snap a few photos of our bedroom shutters at varying stages of blocking out the world.

Low:

nothungover

Medium [a personal favorite]:

regular

Critical:

its2pm

I took that picture at 2pm and it’s sunny as hell out today. I had to go out into the lit hallway just so you could see anything at all because it was THAT dark in there. The options are limitless.

icanhaveitall

The greatest thing is that they aren’t just on our bedroom windows. We have them on every single window in our apartment, including the balcony.

balcony

I just took that picture. Directly across from us is an actual hospital. With people in it. Professional Doctor people are inside there just helping sick people and their office windows are literally facing me and I’m doing the opposite of that. I’m just sitting on my couch with a tub of ice cream and no pants on. DON’T YOU LOOK AT ME. And you know what? They can’t.

lookaway

Our shutters are also operated by a hand held remote. THEY’RE ELECTRIC! I took a short video of me performing this act and attempted to post it but it wouldn’t work and I thrive on giving up on things super quick, so just imagine our balcony shutter slowly opening, me saying “oh no, never mind”, and then slowly closing them. You would have loved it.

claps

And it’s not just me who chooses this glamorous and borderline unhealthy lifestyle. Everyone’s doing it. It just feels right

closedin

Not one shutter open. They could be doing anything in there.

dealwithit

If I haven’t done a good enough job at stating my case on why these shutters are better than curtains and you, here’s a brief summary:

1.) Complete Sun blockage. That means more heat blockage. And maybe your sick sticky body will be less likely to be stuck to your filthy garbage couch whenever you try to get up for any and many kitchen related food inquiries.

imstucktothechair

2.) No light. Meaning, the greatest hangover day guaranteed. So yes, it IS a great idea to skip dinner and then take that extra shot of tequila directly before going to sleep. Do you!

drinkingsolution

3.) People not looking at you. You can do whatever you want and ain’t nobody gotta know about it. Be naked. Eat Cheetos off of your bare stomach. Go ahead and watch that Toddler’s In Tiara’s marathon. Absolutely drink that wine right out of the bottle before rolling around on the floor singing “Kiss From a Rose” to your cat. Live your best life.

In conclusion, America get your shit together.

Thick Americans.

Just another day learning a new language and having so many deep, in depth, and always intense conversations with people from various countries outside of the US and Germany about…..food. It somehow always ends up with everyone discussing dieting/exercise and their personal preference on how/what they eat because what else do people talk about? Seriously, what else? Help me.

creepface

OH I LIKE HEALTHY EATING, LIKE I REALLY ENJOY IT YOU GUYS – says one.

dontunderstand

I EAT RICE AND VEGETABLES EVERY TIME EVERYWHERE – another squeals.

thatsmessedup

BUT WHAT ABOUT PIZZA – said no one ever.

gentleman

STEAMED UNSEASONED FISH WITH AIR ON THE SIDE FOR ME PLEASE – said that guy.

idontknowwhatyouaretalkingabout

STARING BLANKLY AT NOTEBOOK HOPING THAT SOMEONE PULLS THE FIRE ALARM – me.

miserable

Naturally the discussion morphs into WHAT NOT TO EAT, WHY DO PEOPLE EAT THAT, THAT’S GROSS, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN!!!! Until finally this old all too familiar friend pops up:

WARUM SIND DIE AMERIKANER SO DICK?

First of all, LOL DICK.

whatdidyousay

Direct translation: Why are the Americans so thick?

Direct Direct translation: why the fuck do you guys eat so much, you fatties. YOUR CHILDREN ARE HUGE, STOP IT. WHY DON’T YOU GUYS JUST EAT THIS YOGHURT THAT’S BEEN SITTING IN MY EXTREMELY WARM-HOT PURSE FOR THE PAST 3 HOURS AND IS MOST CERTAINLY IN THE DANGER ZONE. [Honestly, a lady does this every goddamn day and I want to be like NO STOP IT and slap it out of her hands.]

nonono

And then the entire conversation proceeds to spill out about America and WHY?? BUT HOW!?! I’ve heard it a thousand times. And every single time everyone gets real scared like I’m going to be offended or freak out.

couldbeboth

Like I’m going to suddenly start screaming about freedom while eating McDonalds fries dipped in an Oreo McFlurry and lighting off fireworks until finally speeding away in my Hummer. Perhaps they are excited because they are hoping that I just might have the cure they’ve been waiting for to end all American Thickness by 2025. Or maybe they just want to know what the hell the sound of my voice is like [it’s probably this]. But they continue to speak super softly and nervously while constantly peeking over at me throughout their long and breathy opinion about everything. Just waiting.

owls

Meanwhile, I’m just sitting there.

laughingwithpizza

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU PEOPLE TO GET YOU OVER THE FACT THAT THERE ARE THICK AMERICANS ON THIS PLANET WITH YOU.

And NO, I absolutely can’t understand a lot of what they’re saying BUT I do know that they are talking about Americans eating burgers, like tons and tons of burgers. IT’S ALWAYS BURGERS. And they want to know WHY WHY WHY.

I just want to say, dudes. DUDES. Duuuudes. Have you even had the burgers in America? Like, do you EVEN know?

slapping

I mean if I only knew what a burger tasted like based on the burgers I’ve had since I left America so far, I too would probably only eat unseasoned fish air with a side of vegetables and mist. Because gross, you guys.

thrilled

It is most definitely true that people here are generally more “fit” than I am used to seeing back home. Here’s why I think, LISTEN UP THICK ASS AMERICA:

1.) They build leg muscles by having to walk up 34 flights of stairs regularly because nope to elevators here.

2.) There’s no A/C so everyone basically walks around sweating all of the thickness off of their bodies.

3.) They build extreme arm muscle by having to carry their bags of recyclables all over town.

4.) Have you seen the frozen food section? MAKE IT STOP.

AHHface

And fine, here are the reasons why I think Americans are probably sometimes “thick”:

1.) Just so many burgers are happening. Seriously, some of them have like 3 or 4 meat patties on them now.

2.) I’m pretty sure everything including public sidewalks are slowly being converted into those flat escalators that you see in airports.

3.) EVERYTHING CAN BE DELIVERED TO YOU NOW BY SOME 17 YEAR OLD PIMPLED KID ON A BIKE. EVEN IN THE RAIN. Anything from a roll of toilet paper to a frozen bean and cheese burrito.

4.) Why walk 3 blocks when you can take an Uber cab without having to actually talk to someone?

5.) Because who cares leave me alone.

idontknowwtf

Jesus Christ, JUST GOOGLE IT. OR WRITE OBAMA A LETTER. That’s what normal people do when they want to know things.

imnotoprah

In other news, when I googled “Warum sind die Amerikaner so dick?” here were some other questions that popped up into my search:

1.) Warum sind die Amerikaner so dumm? – Why are the Americans so stupid?

2.) Warum sind Amerikanische Tampons so groß? – Why are American tampons so big?

3.) Warum sind Amerikaner so patriotisch? – Why are Americans so patriotic?

ALL GREAT QUESTIONS.

In conclusion, I’m going to start carrying around a can of easy squeeze cheese so I can pull it out anytime this conversation comes up and yell “keine ahnung” while squirting the sick cheese directly into my mouth and slowly sinking off of my chair and onto the floor.

chee

USA, USA, USA.

I’ve been mentally and physically MIA for the past month+ because we suddenly got the opportunity at the beginning of June to go to Los Angeles for what was supposed to be 3sh weeks for Borja’s work. It ended up being a little over a month for me and Borja is still there and should be returning in the first week of August, that goddamn brat. YES THAT MEANS I’M HERE IN KARLSRUHE GERMANY “ALONE” AND THAT’S WEIRD AND YES MY MOTHER IS WORRIED ABOUT IT. But it’s okay, I know what I’m doing.

addwater vodkawilldo

I emailed my immigration Matt-Damon-Look-Alike-Guy a few times asking him for permission to stay in the US a bit longer but he never responded, so I naturally took that as a strong FUCK NO and returned on the 11th. And guess who didn’t even check my passport for all of my Language Visa stamps that I so diligently got over the past several months? GODDAMN YOU GERMANY. First no looking at our catalogue of ‘required’ cat paperwork and now this? WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER TO DO ANYTHING.

aintnobody

Surprisingly after not sleeping for nearly 30 hours, I was still able to somehow manage to catch the train to Karlsruhe from Frankfurt, then the tram to my apartment, go grocery shopping because duh, and catch a ride to go pick up our cats in Grötzingen ALL WHILE IT BEING ONE MILLION DEGREES OUTSIDE, until finally being in the comfort of my own home. I felt like one of those intense moms who suddenly has abnormal creepy strength when they see their baby stuck under a car or something and they’re able to just lift the car up NO PROBLEM to save their child. Except I was just hungry.

layoffimstarving

Anyway, for the first few weeks in LA we were in an Airbnb in Hermosa Beach literally 2 minutes from the ocean front. When we first arrived, it was in the evening, but we still insisted on going to the water because I’m not sure if you know this but Karlsruhe’s beach/ocean scene isn’t the best. Borja ran into the water all excited and it was just like we were in a Rom-Com until we were heading back to the house and he realized that there was a sick glob of tar stuck to the bottom of his foot. LONG STORY SHORT: apparently the beach had been closed just prior to our arrival due to tons of mysterious “tar globs” washing ashore. ***Yes, even knowing this new tar glob information, we returned to the beach repeatedly.

leoshrug

The first few days of arrival consisted of me literally just hanging out in the grocery store and pharmacy. I basically went down every single aisle and inspected everything just to make sure things WERE EXACTLY HOW I LEFT THEM. Like the ingredients of Pringles, or what temperature the oven has to be at in order to properly cook Bagel Bites, and most importantly – is Dayquil still on the market?

inspecting

After I completed my inventory of everything the stores had to offer, I got picked up by a friend and was whisked away to the magical and extremely hot land of Fresno for the weekend. Here are a few fun facts about Fresno in case you’re unfamiliar:

1.) It’s the DUI capital of the United States.

2.) I actually only know that one piece of information about Fresno.

We pretty much just swam the entire time there because if you don’t do that, you melt and die. We also went out one night and ended up taking an Uber cab home from the bar AS WELL AS HAD THE DRIVER TAKE US THROUGH AN “IN-N-OUT BURGER” DRIVE-THRU. I think this may have been my most American-ist stunt performed during my entire trip.

dammit

On our trip back to Hermosa, we ate lunch directly across the street from the super creepy/oddly appealing “Church of Scientology: Celebrity Centre”. I think that’s also probably the closest I got to being near a celebrity. WHAT WAS GOING ON IN THERE.

tomcruise

For the next week(s) back in Hermosa Beach, Borja and I basically just ate everything we could possibly eat at every moment of every day, everywhere.

27istherefoodthere8

Then we had a couple more friends from my hometown of Spokane Washington come down to visit. Here’s a fun fact about Spokane in case you’re unfamiliar:

1.) Please see Fresno’s first fun fact.

We mostly bounced around Hermosa/Manhattan area eating, drinking and hanging at tar-globby beach. We ate at an ice cream place that was so good that when our friend dropped his on the sick ground in front of a dirty ATM machine, he picked it right back up and continued to eat it  – because that’s what you do. Also, one night when we were having a BBQ and our entire neighborhood was flooded with drunk bros, a girl and a guy were walking in front of our house and the girl leaned over and puked into our neighbors yard, and after puking, her boyfriend and her began making out immediately. Delicious! Sexy!

BRO BIG OR BRO HOME, THAT’S ALWAYS BEEN MY MOTTO.

thumbsup

Also some old guy told us that Pete Carroll used to live in the house that we were staying in. If anything, I think my German class has taught me how to pretend to act like I know/care what people are talking about.

understandingyou

Shortly after their visit I found out from my friend in Seattle that a few friends from there were all pitching in to buy me a plane ticket to visit for a week! So I ended up going there and Borja came up for a long weekend. Seattle summary: I don’t think I’ve ever drank so much in my entire goddamn life. It was LGBTQ Pride Weekend and the Supreme Court had just ruled in favor of Marriage Equality, so it was a very gay and fun weekend. Borja even took a shot out of an ice vagina. Every day was a different happy hour and by the end of the trip, I felt like I should have checked in to the Betty Ford Center. But instead of doing that I absolutely did not do that.

drunk

Being in Seattle also reminded me that there are actually hills in the world. I forgot how to walk up a dumb hill after living in flat ass Karlsruhe for almost a year. 10 points for Karlsruhe.

walkingupahill

My final 2 weeks in LA – we moved to the Hyatt House hotel in El Segundo because our Airbnb was booked. It was…a hotel in El Segundo. Hyatt House favorite: Borja drunkenly doing cannon balls in the pool late in the evening and scaring the children. And of course people cleaning your room for you because cleaning things yourself is horrible.

paul cleaningup

My last weekend there my friend from Fresno came down for the 4th of July and we all pretty much just started drinking at 10am and walked around Hermosa/Manhattan beach complaining about not being rich and stared at Americans wearing American Flag outfits.

americaswimsuit

OVERALL HIGHLIGHTS:

[Personal Favorite]: The time that Borja wore sandals with socks and tried to pretend like it was not a big deal.

sockwithsandal  shocked2

Going to Trader Joe’s 100 times.

runningtotraderjoes

Seeing friends.

cheers

Borja and I eating some of our favorite foods that we missed.

dogseaaatting

Being on the beach and trying to be cool, pretending like I’m there to sunbathe and NOTHING ELSE.

itakeanaprighthere

REAL Dirty Martini’s.

61

Being able to read and communicate like a sane human being.

iunderstand

Legal Marijuana.

weirdbaby

Being so proud of Borja driving.

clapping

Finding normal sized Shampoo/Conditioner bottles. What the fuck, Germany? GROW UP AND MAKE BIGGER BOTTLES ALREADY.

justdoit

Cable Television.

cable

PLACES HAVING AIR CONDITIONING BECAUSE IT’S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

ac

OVERALL CONS:

When Borja and I came home drunk one night in Seattle to our friends apartment, my friends husband got up to pee and said that I was in their living room in my underwear and I didn’t acknowledge the situation when he said hi to me. [This could also be considered a highlight].

whoopsie

Being hungover for 7 days straight.

imdying

Knowing that Jay Leno does stand up comedy every single Sunday night in Hermosa Beach and people actually go to it. To watch him. Do comedy. What.

britney

Having to sneakily drink alcohol in the park BECAUSE IT’S ILLEGAL.

sneakdrink

Everything being goddamn expensive.

helpmeimpoor

Not having our cats.

sadnick

Borja driving. LOL JK.

dogcar

Not studying for my German class, NOT EVEN ONCE.

haveibeenstudying

Realizing that I smuggled back the wrong kind of Ranch Dressing.

realizingiforgotsomethingfromstore

MISSING BORJA. <3333 😦

DSC_4810

The bro’s.

bros

And finding out that too much socializing freaks me out.

oversocialised

BUT REALLY, it was the best. We ate and drank delicious things while spending time with my favorite people. It was an amazing trip and I’m so glad it was able to happen. It couldn’t have been any better.

Fast forward to now: I started my new class the Tuesday after I arrived and I basically forgot everything German [well like the 2 words that I knew], so there’s that. Basically I just sit in class and pretend like I’m looking things up in my dictionary the entire time and hope that the teacher won’t call on me and when I get a sneaking suspicion that she is going to call on me, I stand up abruptly and go to the bathroom to throw her off. I also started taking the early morning classes so I don’t know who I am anymore. God I hope she doesn’t read this.

beingawake30hours

Das ist alles – gute Nacht!

Progress.

We received mail recently that said a person would be by yesterday between the hours of 12:00-18:00 to check a mysterious meter for our apartment and that someone had to be home for this to happen. So Borja came home from work for this and nothing happened. He had to go back to work so then I took over.

mywatchbegins

Then at 18:00 I felt a strange but satisfying instant relief that I didn’t have to talk to a stranger and/or deal with anything weird BECAUSE STILL NOTHING HAPPENED. Usually if something like this is supposed to happen and then it doesn’t, I naturally assume that it somehow figured itself out and the world will magically move forward. Basically it’s out of my life because it’s 18:01 now.

todolist

But then this goddamn guy shows up at 18:36. I open the door and he’s standing there looking really sweaty and begins to talk to me at lightning speed in German for a million minutes. I just stand there hoping he stops soon so I can be the dumb jerk and ask “Sprechen Sie Englisch?” but he just keeps going forever. I can’t imagine what my face looked like. I even did the thing where you sort of hold up your finger being like “wait a minute, hold on, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, hello” but he just kept going. Finally he stopped and I asked him if he spoke English. At that moment I knew that he probably wanted to punch me in the face because I had just stood there like a fool letting him recite a 10 page monologue to me while not understanding any of it.

idontunderstandthequestion

He said “yes” and then pointed to a locked box on the wall and said he needed in there. This is not a box that I know about nor do I have the key for it [FULL DISCLOSURE: I WAS PREPARED FOR A DIFFERENT BOX IN THE BASEMENT ONLY]. This was a real curve ball for me. So instead of just going along with the reality that I am absolutely unable to help, I grab every stupid key in my apartment and attempt to make them fit knowing deep down in my heart that none would. I try every single key repeatedly while he stares at me. I even try obnoxiously large keys that obviously wouldn’t even come close to fitting the lock but I still just sort of push them towards it like I think there’s an actual chance it could work. But they don’t go in at all and they just kind of rub against the box itself. Eventually [or probably the entire time] it became clear to him that I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing and he left.

wtfareyoudoing

ANYWAY, I am writing this to say that if this situation would have happened 6 months ago, I probably would have had an out of body experience and would have collapsed out of fear. BUT NOT YESTERDAY. I kind of dealt with it. [EDIT: if this would have happened 6 months ago, I wouldn’t have answered the door, tbh.].

My fingers are crossed that in 6 months from now, I will have enough courage to be able to approach the cheese man at the store and ask for a bag of shredded cheddar.

ifeellikeimgoingtopassout

By the way, here’s a short list of every reason why you might be asked to be home in Karlsruhe for 6 hours of the day waiting for something to happen/something to arrive/someone to show up:

1.) Everything ever all of the time.

A few other minor successes:

My friend made me this sign for me after I moved here and I have not YET been forced to post it around town [although I do keep that option open]:

needfriend

I’ve never hung laundry up to dry in my entire life. But we do it now. AND I’VE GROWN TO SORT OF LIKE IT. I even put it on the balcony once and let it dry in the fresh air breeze.

itfeelsgood

To be expected, a few failures:

I keep buying goddamn bottles of lotion thinking they’re body wash still. I JUST CAN’T STOP. I fall for it every time. Like right now we have about 4-5 big bottles of lotion just because I keep doing this.

itrubs

Every time I see something that I think is a new exciting bacon for Borja, I tell him about it and get his hopes up. And then it just ends up being a weird non-bacon meat item with bones in it that doesn’t even need to be refrigerated. I don’t know how to meat.

cry

We constantly forget to return our recyclable cans/bottles to the store. So every time we DO go we look like raging alcoholic maniacs. But at least we get our 3 Euro rebate.

glassofalcohol

I’m not yet comfortable with emailing [or even worse, speaking to] my immigration worker in Deutsch. It takes me 30 minutes to put the email together and another 30 minutes just to press ‘send’ because I’m terrified of the possibility of accidentally saying something creepy and getting banned from Europe. When does this feeling stop?

itsended

Tomorrow I meet at the immigration office to ask for an extension for my Visa through August so we can fly to LA next week. We will be there for about 4 weeks. Borja is there for work and I am there strictly for tacos.

Thanks for reading.

Clarißa

Cativersary.

A little over a year ago Borja and I began our search for a couple of cats to adopt. After about a handful of animal shelter visits and my face looking like this each time I walked inside:

meinananimalshelter

We adopted ours! Exactly one year ago today we rented a car and drove to Kitty Harbor in Seattle and after having the previous failed attempts, we didn’t really expect it to actually happen. BUT IT DID. OH MY GOD, IT DID. We were lucky enough that day to meet and adopt these two little brats (Leroy left, Ollie right):

leroyollie

First, we saw Leroy in all of his glory [barely able to hold in his excitement to meet us]:

leroy

Then they also let us know that a lady nearby was fostering a litter of kittens and they offered to take us there to meet them. So we went and found this little thing:

ollie

We didn’t expect to get both black cats either. I have always wanted an orange and Borja likes stripes, BUT SOMETIMES YOU JUST KNOW, OK.

derps

blackcats

When asked if we wanted to adopt them, we were like:

YAAAA

These two didn’t know each other prior to having to share the same carrier on the drive home, so the entire way Ollie hissed at Leroy until ultimately scaring him so hard that he shit himself. Needless to say, they were both covered in shit by the time we got them home and took them out of the carrier.

shittycat

While Borja cleaned up the Shitcats, I went to the pet store to get pet things because I’m a GODDAMN PET OWNER NOW AND THAT’S WHAT I DO. I’M ALLOWED TO BE THERE JUST LIKE ANYONE ELSE. We are responsible for lives now. And those lives require bouncy balls and toys on strings that break after 10 minutes. I’m pretty sure I walked into the store that day with back up dancers.

beinganewpetowner

I got home and it was the best. Borja had Leroy on his lap…

borjaleroy

…and there was a teeny tiny black kitten roaming around randomly hissing whenever she caught a glimpse of Leroy.

olliehiss

We were so excited and happy!

dancing

After a few days the hissing stopped and they bonded.

bondedbonded2

Being a pet owner is a rollercoaster. It can be unpredictable and crazy. They are weird creatures that surprise us all of the time.

One minute they can be the nicest cutest thing you’ve ever seen in your entire life and then suddenly they spot a poor bug and they both turn into insane monsters.

anythingthatlandsonthefloor

Not even a quick and painless kill either. It’s more of a slow messed up death where they just torture the bug until it actually WANTS to die. And then they won’t even let it die. I once saw this happen in our bath tub and the moth dragged itself into our drain. It literally suicided because of our fucked up cat being a dick.

There’s also the constant fear [and acceptance] that you may have just ingested cat hair. 

 eatingcathair

Waking up in the morning and seeing the aftermath of their nightly adventures.

hearingaloudnoise

Ongoing paranoia every time they make a new sound or sneeze.

concerned

Having to remind them approximately 10x per day that they have already been fed and that we will indeed feed them again. Probably.

hungrycats

Trying to be all like NO WE WON’T LET THEM IN THE BEDROOM but then letting them in the bedroom.

illallowit

Having two kitties lay on your lap..

kittyprison

..and not knowing if you’ll ever escape Kitty Prison.

kittyprison

Always trying to keep track of the things they slap off of the tables/counters and then proceed to lose under the couches.

knockingthingsoffcounter

Sometimes they don’t really understand how to play [I’M LOOKING AT YOU, LEROY].

toyhogleroyplaying

Always knowing in your heart that there are gross litter responsibilities in your future.

litter

Having hidden jealousies when they are cuddled up with THE OTHER PERSON.

jealousss mebeingjealous

The ongoing chases to catch them so you can try to hold them for 10 seconds before they break free once more.

metryingtoholdthekittiesborjakissingleroys

Dying every time he tries to wag his phantom tail.

notail

Losing my mind any time they are sleeping and touching simultaneously.

cuddlessohappy

The pain you feel when you accidentally step on them.

steppingonatail

Adapting to new ways of cooking around them in the kitchen.

paintmetryingtocookcatsoup

Learning to contain your deep, dark, and creepy anger when the early morning meows happen.

meowsyoushouldhaveletmesleep

Knowing that there is nothing better than a creature falling asleep on you.

leroyasleepohnoyoudidnt

AND wondering how goddamn long have they been staring at you.

tinyollieinternallyscreaming

Animals are the best. I am so glad we found these two and that we were able to bring them with us to Germany! They are so funny and make every day interesting.

HAPPY CATIVERSARY LEROY AND OLLIE! <333333333

STILL GERMANY-ING.

Hallo, Guten Tag, Hey.

I had my birthday. I want to talk about how I am in my thirties now. When people ask me how old I am, I will only respond with “I’m IN my thirties” and provide no more information. I’m DEEP INSIDE my thirties. I can see the cervix of my thirties.

Did this little brat with a missing top lip know that she would be living in another country eating vegetarian Schnitzel IN her thirties? Maybe.

nolip

Did this chubby kid with a mullet realize that she’d be “across the pond” attempting to learn a new crazy language? Vielleicht.

chubbynolip

More importantly, at what time in my life did my top lip decide to make an appearance? An investigation.

seriouslynolip

Anyway, my birthday was great and Borja is the best. He came home and found me like this:

me

And he surprised me with presents and made me change out of my disgusting sweat pants and XXXL shirt and go out for dinner and drinks. I also received a very sweet package in the mail from some good friends in Seattle. This is the second package that’s included a wide variety of American food-junk (think of mostly things in orange packaging that you would find at a 7-Eleven store). I think I’ve consumed more American food-junk since I’ve been in Germany than I did in the last 5 years I was in Seattle. I didn’t think it was possible for the US to give someone diabetes from abroad. NICE WORK, AMERICA. GO AHEAD AND SLOWLY KILL ME FROM A DISTANCE KNOWING THAT MY METABOLISM IS SLOWER BECAUSE I’M IN MY THIRTIES NOW.

iknowwhatiam

I also went to the Karlsruhe Zoo with my German class. I am not a Zoo supporter but I still want to provide you with two of my favorite animal names in Deutsch:

Der Fuchs (Fox) What der Fuchs?

Stinktier (Skunk) This is just the best one.

We’ve gone on a few trips with the class recently, another one was to Ettlingen which was really nice. The teacher made us go up to strangers and ask them questions in Deutsch (directions, to take a group photo, etc). At one point when we were all looking at our maps a lady approached me and APPARENTLY asked me if I needed any help. However I was in a state of shock and fear and just stared at her with my mouth open until someone else took over.

no

I also signed up online for “Tandem Speaking” partners. So I’m now meeting with two different German girls who want to practice their English and in return they help me with German. Borja was a bit nervous that I might meet a creep.

meetingtandem

meetingtandem1

meetingtandem2

But I didn’t and I’ve been extremely lucky with the people I’ve met. Yesterday I met with one of the girls and I was trying to talk to her about where I go grocery shopping and when I was done she told me that she thought I was talking about a date rape drug. AND this conversation was in English. So basically I’ve been pronouncing the name of the grocery store as a date rape drug for nearly 8 months to everyone and anyone who will listen to me. I feel like this is 100% worse than having something on your face and no one telling you about it. This is me walking around talking to Germans like I know what I’m talking about:

germanme

Anyway, they have been helping me with important grammar questions and pronunciation. It’s been super useful. Meanwhile I feel like I’ve helped them with understanding when and when not to use the term “cheesy”. I’ve also talked to them a lot about how much I like Kale and that there are Bloody Mary’s in Seattle with miniature cheeseburgers in them. So I think we’re breaking even.

itstrutho

In general, I actually love some of the questions I get related to the US (asked by people from various countries):

“Are people there really large?”

“Do you know any black people?”

“You’re from America? Do you know this guy?” – in broken English and then he shows me a picture on his phone of a random guy wearing a shirt with Marijuana pictures all over it. I did not know that guy.

“Do people eat vegetables there?”

“Does everyone there really think they’re allergic to everything?”

And my favorite was when someone sneezed in class and I said “Bless you!” and another student laughed and did his best American impersonation: “I’m an American. I’m a cowboy and I drink Budweiser. Bless you!”

thisisamerica

Currently my Visa is approved until June something. I’m too lazy to actually get up and look and it’s not as worrying here as it would be for someone in my position in the US because THE IMMIGRATION OFFICE IS ACTUALLY INCREDIBLY NICE HERE. My paperwork for my last extension was nearly 2 weeks late and they didn’t deport me or throw me in a maximum security prison and/or ban me from entering the country for a decade. WHAT! They didn’t even say anything about it being late. The guy who processed my late paperwork who I’m pretty sure was Matt Damon actually wished me a happy birthday and apologized for me having to come in AND CHARGED ME $15 LESS.

mattdamon

Me showing up with late Visa paperwork in Germany:

strut

Late Visa paperwork in the US:

hellogoodbye

Another thing that continues to blow my mind here is how many people I see shopping in stores USING THEIR BACKPACKS AS SHOPPING CARTS AND NOT BEING ARRESTED FOR SHOPLIFTING. This is a major NOPE in the US. I can’t get over the feeling of everyone thinking I’m stealing when I go shopping and I have my backpack even though I don’t even use mine as my shopping cart because I’m a wimp (edit: pussy). I feel like at any moment a 75 year old retired American police officer now working as a Wal-Mart security guy is going to come up to me and escort me out of the store and I’ll be like “How did you find me here?”.

nononono

In fact, the honour system here over all is amazing. You’re supposed to buy a ticket to ride the local trains and only rarely do workers themselves get on the train to check everyones ticket. I’ve had it happen to me less than 10 times ever. Yet I still get a ticket every time because I know the one time that I don’t someone will get on to check tickets and that’ll probably be the actual thing that warrants them to ship me back to America on a tugboat with nothing but my empty sad backpack. A large group of us also went to the movies the other night and had pre-purchased tickets. NO ONE CHECKED OUR GODDAMN TICKETS WHEN WE WENT IN OR EVER. I still had my ticket gripped in my hand just in case at any point during the movie they did a surprise inspection with ‘outside food’ sniffing dogs. Also Germans eat “sugar coated” popcorn instead of salty popcorn and that’s weird.

lookingback

I feel like America is watching me with a drone and knows that I’m doing all of this stuff that they hate. Especially when I’m walking down the street with an open beer. The moment that I try to step foot on their soil again they’re going to subpoena me and I’ll have to take on a false identity in Russia.

whatareyouwaitingfor

However it is not all kittens, rainbows and melted cheddar cheese here. I am still very upset with Germany’s recycling system. It’s the worst thing about Germany and I’m considering writing the Chancellor a letter that just says “WHY” attached to a picture of me and all of our beer bottles.

Back to a few other things I am liking right now:

I love when I ask German’s what they like to do for fun and 99% of them reply with “Making Sport”. Because when I think of me “Making Sport” all I see is this:

memakingsport

When someone says they’re going to the US and asks Borja and I if we want them to bring anything back:

massivequantities

I’ll leave you with my favorite German conversation exchange so far courtesy of my tandem:

“blah blah blah because I’m a wimp” – Me

“What’s a wimp?” – German Tandem

**I explain what a wimp is.**

“Oh, German’s call those ‘pussies’.” –  German Tandem

ByeFelisha

Our stuff arrived and it’s fantastic.

We finally got all of our stuff delivered a few weeks ago SO NOW I CAN WRITE BLOGS FROM OUR COUCH AND NOT THE GODDAMN AIR-MATTRESS (THIS DOESN’T REALLY CHANGE ANYTHING). 

I can’t even begin to explain to you how excited we were when it arrived. I think the funniest part of that night was that there were only two guys moving everything in + UP THE STAIRS (if anyone knows our couch and/or mattress then you’ll understand how uncomfortable this made me) and Borja and I tried to offer them a frozen pizza and German snacks that resemble American “Funyuns” and they were like naaaaah. They surprisingly ended up being amazing and moved really quick, despite one of the guys looking like a starving college student who’d been only eating Ramen for the past 3 years.

Anyway, it’s been about 6 months since we saw our things and quite frankly I think we forgot what we packed, outside of the furniture pieces. So here I’m going to share with you just a highlight of some of the exciting and extremely useful things that I discovered upon opening those glorious boxes that were shipped overseas and TOOK MONTHS TO GET AND I’M NOT SURE HOW I LIVED WITHOUT AND OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK DID I BRING TO GERMANY.

1.) I don’t know what this is. What I do know is that it still has an inch of dust/dirt/disease on it from the last 2 places I’ve lived. NEEDED IT.

dustyjunk

2.) The “SPOKANE is okay” t-shirt. CAN’T WAIT TO WEAR THIS ALL OF THE TIME EVERYWHERE.

spokaneisokay

3.) This disgusting, small, and extremely stained gross strainer. CAN’T WAIT TO PUT ALL OF OUR FOOD ON THIS AND THEN EAT IT AND FEEL OK ABOUT THAT DECISION. 

stainedstrainer

4.) This important piece of hanging art. I’M ACTUALLY 100% OK WITH THIS.

whatisthis

5.) These 3-D Cat Cards (+1 dog). THE ONLY CARD GAME I KNOW IS ‘WAR’ AND I’M NOT EVEN GOOD AT IT.

3dcatcards

6.) This wrinkled bundle of birthday cards that references boobs. I’VE NEVER MAILED ANYONE ANYTHING, WHY START NOW.

birthdaycards

7.) This crying wooden lady. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO WRITE HERE.

cryingwoodenlady

8.) An essay that I wrote in 2005. LOOKS LIKE I’LL JUST SUBMIT THIS AS MY RESUME TO ALL OF THE JOBS.

essayfrom2005

9.) The name tag from my first job when I was 14/15. MAYBE THERE’S AN ALBERTSON’S HERE THAT I CAN JUST SHOW UP TO WITH THIS BADGE ON AND START BAGGING GROCERIES. 

nametagfromalbertsons

10.) A Pepsi stained yearbook from Glover Middle School when I was 13/14. THE PAGES ARE STUCK TOGETHER AND THE BACK OF THE BOOK IS ACTUALLY BURNED.

pepsistainedyearbook

**FULL DISCLOSURE HERE’S WHAT I FOUND WHEN I LOOKED UP MY PICTURE**

yukme

11.) These stained masks. 10/10 WOULD WEAR AGAIN.

stainedNYCmasks

12.) Not one but TWO sets of horns (*tangled). THEY DON’T EVEN DO HALLOWEEN HERE, WHAT HAPPENS NOW.

twosetsoftangledhorns

13.) An XXXXXL ice cream shirt from Spokane. NEW SHIRT TO WEAR TO THE CLUB.

xxxlicecreamshirt

14.) This picture of me being America. THIS IS MOSTLY SO BORJA DOESN’T FORGET MY ROOTS. THOSE BANGS THOUGH.

usa

15.) This ugly coverup (is that a penis??) that was given to me in Mexico by some random lady. CAN’T WAIT TO WEAR THIS TO ALL OF THE BEACHES THAT GERMANY HAS TO OFFER.

weirdmexicothing

As for Borja, I’m pretty sure he only packed these and absolutely nothing else:

bigbookofbuttsandboobs

THINGS THAT I MOST DEFINITELY DID NOT PACK BECAUSE WHY WOULD I, THAT WOULD JUST BE STUPID AND CARELESS:

Additional socks/undergarments.

DRINKING GLASSES.

Clothes that I would actually wear outside of the apartment and that aren’t XXXXXL size or beach coverups given to me by weird women in Mexico.

Shoes.

SHEETS, PILLOWS, ANY KIND OF BEDDING WHATSOEVER.

Anything useful/relevant to me post 1998/1999.

Stuff without stains.

A belt.

In summary, no wonder why Borja was looking at me like this when I was packing in Seattle:

borjaplayinghisgame

Next action item on our list is to figure out how to paint our apartment and make it pretty. That ought to be a hoot and it will be well documented.

Clarissa

Illegal-ish.

I turned my application for a residence permit into the Foreigners Registration office at the beginning of December. 2 days later a guy from their office emails me saying that he needs follow up information so that they “can decide on my residence permit”. I immediately replied asking “WHAT KIND OF FOLLOW UP INFORMATION” since he did not say anything specific. I never received a reply and assumed that he was in the process of contacting the authorities to come take me away.

The only emails that I came across were from Jenny asking me to click to accept her booty call or from good guy Mr. Femi letting me know that Nigeria has agreed to pay me $5M in exchange for just a one time payment of $150.00 (and my bank details). BUT NOTHING FROM IMMIGRATION.

.email

UNTIL YESTERDAY. After emailing him obsessively for the last 6 weeks, “HELLO, WHAT’S HAPPENING, AM I DEPORTED, ARE YOU EVEN REAL“. He finally sent me a letter in the post and everything appears to be legit. Basically as long as I stay enrolled in language classes, I’m allowed to be one of the common folk here in Karlsruhe.

I know what everyone is thinking, why didn’t you just call or go to the office and talk to someone in person you insane lazy lunatic? No.

idratherdie

What else has happened?

We had our friend Jeremy come stay with us over the holidays for a few weeks, which was awesome! Unfortunately the day he was arriving we flooded our kitchen and we had our washing machine in our hallway because it wouldn’t fit in the bathroom AND STILL NO FURNITURE. Then while he was here on Christmas Eve we flooded our downstairs neighbor due to some weird shower malfunction and we were all unable to take showers for an uncomfortable amount of days. OTHER THAN THAT, the holidays were good – all of the food was eaten, the booze was drank, and we took a little trip to France. I’m pretty sure Jeremy and I ate 60+ pretzels.

While Jeremy was here, he also informed me that we didn’t in fact have dishwasher tabs and instead, for the past month, we had been using tabs that are meant to clean our washing machine. I went to buy REAL dishwasher tabs and bodywash, came home and immediately realized that I again bought the same goddamn wrong tabs and a big thing of dumb body lotion. I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW THIS IS STILL HAPPENING TO ME.

thatsnotwhatthefuckitis

BREAKING NEWS: Borja and I came to our senses and finally decided that it would be better to order in bulk cat stuff online instead of lugging food and litter home from the store every week like goddamn peasants. THE DELIVERY CAME WHEN I WAS HOME ALONE AND THE BOXES WERE HEAVIER THAN A THOUSAND MEN. The guy buzzed me and I sort of assumed that he would bring the stuff up to our apartment but it turns out 100% NO. After realizing that nothing was happening, I came out of my apartment and saw that he was just waiting 3 flights down looking up at me. So I went down and after getting asked repeatedly why my name wasn’t Borja, he watched me try to maneuver the boxes around unsuccessfully and said “That looks hard, TSCHUSS!” and left.

willnoonestopthatman?

Our cats are doing good. Their only regret is not smuggling more American catnip here. The catnip they’ve had in Germany so far blows and they don’t like it. So if anyone knows where to score some good stuff around here, let us know!

I’m kind of obsessed with the difference between Germans saying that they know just a “LITTLE BIT OF ENGLISH” vs anyone else (mostly just me) who says that they know just a “LITTLE BIT OF DEUTSCH”. Because a lot of Germans that I’ve met who say this ARE ACTUALLY INSANELY GOOD at speaking English. Like every goddamn time. 

Here’s an example of a German who, like seriously you guys, only knows a few English words and probably can’t even complete a sentence:

idontexpecttobeunderstood

Here’s me when I say that I only speak a little bit of Deutsch and then actually try to speak that little bit:

americanspeakingdeutsch

I went to a new grocery store here just because I read that it had a great “American” section. I was hoping to come across a Frito, a Cheeto, and/or ANY CANDY IN THE WORLD WITH CHOCOLATE AND PEANUT BUTTER IN IT. Instead the section was about 5ft wide and had: Crisco, Squeeze Cheese, Poptarts, Mrs. Butterworths Maple Syrup, a box of Macaroni and Cheese (NOT EVEN KRAFT) and Pork Rinds.

america

We’ve also been on a surprisingly long and extremely difficult hunt for just a DECENT SIZE garbage can for our kitchen. Turns out, they don’t exist here. Only miniature garbage cans for your bathroom. I ASK YOU GERMANY, WHERE DO YOU PUT YOUR TRASH? Does everyone here just have a row of 5 tiny bathroom cans in their kitchen? IS YOUR TRASH JUST REALLY TINY? Is there a lucrative Members Only underground regular-sized garbage can operation that I don’t know about?

idontbelieveyou

I think I’ve already mentioned that on Sunday all of the grocery stores are closed here. So grocery shopping on a Saturday is pretty wild. BUT NOTHING COMPARES TO SHOPPING THE DAY BEFORE EVERYTHING IS CLOSED FOR A HOLIDAY, IE New Years. We made the mistake of doing this and it was the most insane thing I’ve ever seen. You can’t move. Everyone in Germany is at the store and they’re shopping like it’ll never be open again.

Here’s a glimpse of Borja and I just trying to get some olives for our cheese plate:

zombieattack

We finally ended up in line and the line went through the entire store. We stood behind an old lady who was either the worst person on Earth or a genius. She got in line with her cart and then made some teens in front of her watch it for her and move it with them whenever the line moved up. MEANWHILE, old lady genius was out and about shopping only to return to add things to her cart and take off again to find more goods leaving the brats to guard her stuff.

ON THE PLUS SIDE, I have for the first time seen the elusive Kale here in the past few weeks and I am relieved. I never thought that I would see it again.

youjustdisappeared

We still don’t have furniture. Miraculously, our 2nd air mattress hasn’t exploded yet. Our furniture has been sitting at customs for over a month and they don’t communicate to you what’s going on, why its taking so long, give any estimation of time on when you might be able to sit on your couch instead of your air stupid mattress, NOTHING. It had me paranoid that we packed something weird/creepy that we forgot about. But we heard this week finally that we are getting our stuff delivered this upcoming Monday evening! We haven’t seen our stuff since we packed it away and sent it off in August. I don’t even know what we packed anymore. We’ve been so used to sleeping on an air mattress or other peoples furniture that I’m scared that we won’t know KNOW HOW TO FURNITURE when it is finally here.

bettercat

We also got ourselves a washing machine at this huge department store down the street. It was before Borja’s bank account was set up so we assumed a credit card would work, they were like, LOL NO, cash or debit only please. It’s so hard to get used to the fact that a lot of the places here are cash only, including bars/restaurants. The same thing happened when Jeremy got here and we went out for drinks and realized it was cash only and we didn’t have enough cash on us AND THEN THERE’S NO ATM ON SITE.

This was Borja:

cashonly

I started my new course at school last Monday and it’s great. Not much to report. It’s still hard as hell but the teacher and the other people in the class are really nice and I feel comfortable enough to be like NOPE DON’T GET IT. WHAT. WHY CAN’T I PRONOUNCE KONNT WITHOUT FEELING FUNNY INSIDE. There’s a lot more conversation practice in this one, so we partner up and have to have dialogues with each other which is hilariously difficult.

This is me when I have no idea what my partner is saying but trying to pretend that I do:

conversating

This is me trying to respond:

funnyfaces

This is me during class break when everyone else is chatting, getting coffee, studying, being normal, etc:

meonschoolbreak

And this is me when someone laughs when I say that beer drinking and cats are my hobbies:

youdontknowmylife

A lot of people ask me what Borja and I do all of the time since we moved here. Assuming we’re living the life of royals, traveling to Paris on the weekends, speaking with new accents, drinking fine wine and doing fancy/cool European things. WELL YEAH THAT’S SORT OF WHAT WE’VE BEEN DOING. Here’s a sneak peak at what we’ve been up to:

Me when “This video is not available in your country” pops up:

youtubedoesntwork

Borja when we finally find a gas station that sells beer on Sunday but learn that they stop selling after 10pm and it’s 10:16pm:

beerstopsat10pm

Borja and I trying out some new bars:

borjaanditryingnewbars

Borja in our bathtub after getting some fizzies from Lush:

borjabathtub

Me whenever I meet someone new:

doyoulikecheese

Me when the internet broke for 4 minutes last week:

internetbreaking

Borja when he saw that a store by us actually sells IPA:

meetingtheloveofyourlife

Me at Borja’s company holiday party:

meatxmasparty

Me when someone says that they had good food somewhere:

whensomeonesaystheyhadgoodfood

Borja when we get home from having drinks:

afterparty

Me anytime I see someone with pizza walk by:

whatsinthebox

Borja being tired of watching movies on his laptop:

tiredofwatchingmoviesonlaptop

Me when Borja asks me if I already started drinking:

100%no

THERE YOU HAVE IT. That’s it for now.

AUF WIEDERSEHEN!

“We ain’t gotta dream no more, man” – Stringer Bell

I HAVE UPDATES FOR YOU.

WE GOT AN APARTMENT! 

apthappiness

We moved in to our new place last weekend. The apartment is awesome, it has wild and crazy things like: light fixtures in the ceiling, a kitchen, and even mirrors on the bathroom wall. I CAN’T BELIEVE IT. It’s in the city center so we’re able to walk to work/school now. We live above a bakery and also a spa where they use tiny fish to chew on your gross feet. Across the street there is a doctor’s office and I can literally see into the meeting rooms during the day. I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL I GET TO SEE SOMETHING WEIRD AND/OR AGAINST THE LAW.

We signed our contract Friday night. We woke up the next morning, took showers, and then realized that we had to start moving our stuff over via train. JUST THE TWO OF US.

gettingclean

We had to carry our two “pleasantly plump” cats, a litter box, luggage, human food, computer, cat food, and the rest of the junk we’ve been living with for the past couple of months. We also had to go up 3 flights of stairs for each goddamn apartment because GERMANY APPARENTLY DOESN’T BELIEVE IN THE ELEVATOR. Also, “one flight” of stairs actually includes 2-3 mini flights of stairs, so really you’re taking approximately 54 flights of stairs in the end. I don’t remember how many trips we ended up taking, but I am thankful that both of our lives were spared.

happy

It’s also fucking cold here. I was under the impression that the weather was similar to Seattle and at first it seemed that way. I also made the mistake of packing a lot of my warmEST clothes and coats with the stuff that was getting shipped to us later (thinking that we would have this stuff by now). WRONG. WHEN I GO OUTSIDE NOW IT ACTUALLY HURTS. IT HURTS MY FACE. I CAN’T FEEL MY HANDS. MY LEGS FEEL LIKE NUMB HURTY LOGS. BUT THEN THIS HAPPENS TOO: you finally make it to your destination (be it the grocery store, shopping center, bar, etc) and it’s WEIRDLY HOT INSIDE. EVERYWHERE IT’S LIKE THIS.

thinline

So you go from being cold and in pain to being hot and thawing out like a piece of frozen chicken and then you’re suddenly sweating but you’re wearing too many layers and by the time you take off your layers it’s time to go back outside again. There’s NO MEDIUM TEMPERATURE WORLD HERE.

this_is_bullshit_the_wire

In other news, I am enrolled in another German language course and it is way better than the previous class. I basically showed up to this new class having forgotten everything that I learned in the previous one. Here’s how it went:

DAY 1: INTRODUCTIONS

mynameismyname

DAY 2: WORKING IN GROUPS

englishmf'er

DAY 3: TEACHER HELPING ME 1 ON 1

inthegame

EVERY DAY SINCE:

nowigetit

Yeah, the class is great. There are only 4 students, so we get a lot of time to ask all of our stupid questions and the teacher doesn’t make me feel like a jerk when I don’t understand what the hell Donaudampfschiffahrtsgesellschaftskapitän means.

I am also waiting for a response from the immigration offices here because I turned in my application last week for my residence permit (THIS IS WHAT MAY OR MAY NOT GET ME DEPORTED). I frantically check our mail daily only to find either an empty mail box or weird letters telling me to pay some tax for owning a TV.

whatkindofbullshit

The application itself was a bit insane, Borja basically had to sign up to be my legal guardian (creepy). So I think this means that if I go rob a bank, kidnap someone, or start an illegal underground cat trafficking ring, they’ll arrest him instead and I can just move back to the USA and pretend like nothing happened.

Nevertheless, this is how we say our goodbyes in the morning now:

stayfree

Even when I am just walking to school and I want to cross on a red light, I AM TOO SCARED TO DO IT. People don’t do that here. THEY JUST DON’T. No one does it. It’s the craziest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. There will be zero cars coming for miles and people will just patiently stand and wait there LIKE IT’S THEIR JOB. Some of the lights here are also obscenely long. But every time I feel courageous enough to risk it, I get a flash of Borja’s face. WWBD?

cavon-barksdale-waving-finger

JK I still do it sometimes (don’t tell Borja).

omardontscare

We are also waiting for our furniture + rest of our stuff to be sent to us. We are currently in an empty apartment with an air mattress + cats with long stupid nails = nicht gut. The air mattress makes a loud popping sound anytime either of us shift our bodies, takes a breath, or blinks. Every morning I verbally assault the mattress during my exit of the bedroom.

sheeeeeit

The moving company said that it would take 2 weeks for it to get to us once requested but when we contacted them last week to tell them to SEND IT ON OVER GODDAMN IT they took forever to get back to us and now we likely won’t get it for a few more weeks still.  We’re also waiting for our wash machine to be delivered separately, so I’ve been wearing the same sweater and pants to class for the past two weeks now. It’s been suggested that we actually bring our dirty clothes to a laundry mat and get them washed. But..

avon

We are having our first visitor for Christmas and I’m so excited. I really hope that we at least have a couch and I have clean pants by then. Otherwise, I’m sorry Jeremy.

That is it for now.

yallhaveagoodone

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