Look at this bullshit:
Feast your eyes on Thursday and Friday. Just look at what it shows there. Do you know what that means for me? Do you even understand how sweaty I’m going to be? I’m pretty sure Europeans don’t sweat, like I literally never see people sweating here [but that’s another blog entry for another time]. I sweat just thinking about the idea of sweating. I’m sweating right now.
Listen, I know I’ve bitched extensively about some things here that I just simply do not agree with [THE LACK OF AIR CONDITIONING UNITS, RESPECTIVELY] because I’m an American who just constantly wants more than whats available to me at all times. But you know what? Germany/Europe/I don’t know where else I just know NOT America have a pretty genius thing going on over here and it has the ability to completely block out all of the beaming sun boners.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS SEXY PIECE OF WORK:
I first learned of these fuckers when Borja and I went to Vigo, Spain during Christmas a few years back when we stayed with his precious mother. The guest room that we stayed in had them, and at first I didn’t understand their purpose. WHY NOT JUST USE THE CURTAINS, I THOUGHT. But then after a few too many late nights out drinking enough to kill a horse, resulting in many a day being painfully hungover in bed for as long as physically possible, I realized what a national treasure they were.
BECAUSE THEY BLACK OUT THE ROOM. You can make it permanently dark in your bedroom forever if that’s what you’re into. And we are, so we did. Like all of the time. I’m not even sure that I ever saw the sunlight in Spain. It was then that I finally understood: curtains are a waste of goddamn time. But then, naturally, I came back home to Seattle and forgot about everything that I had discovered because I forget absolutely everything that ever happens. Honestly, I’m dangerously close to having to Memento my way forward in life.
Until we moved to Germany, and then there they were again just waiting to embrace me, my hangovers, and overall shut-in lifestyle. I know people in America are probably like WAIT WHAT, WE HAVE THOSE TOO, AND MINE HAS AN EAGLE ON IT.
Shut up, you do not. These are American “shutters”:
Dumb and stupid. I can still see all of the cheery light and life sneaking in through those cracks. There are probably people jogging out there with their dogs while talking about current events.
NO, I DON’T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR THOUGHTS ON HILARY CLINTON’S PANT SUIT AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I REALLY DON’T CARE ABOUT BOBBY’S UPCOMING SOCCER MATCH WITH THE BLUE MOUNTAIN KICKER KIDS. Get out of my life!
The shutters here can even be adjusted to fit your level of hangover/anger/overall antisocial levels. Just so you can get an idea of what we’re working with here, I took the opportunity to snap a few photos of our bedroom shutters at varying stages of blocking out the world.
Medium [a personal favorite]:
I took that picture at 2pm and it’s sunny as hell out today. I had to go out into the lit hallway just so you could see anything at all because it was THAT dark in there. The options are limitless.
The greatest thing is that they aren’t just on our bedroom windows. We have them on every single window in our apartment, including the balcony.
I just took that picture. Directly across from us is an actual hospital. With people in it. Professional Doctor people are inside there just helping sick people and their office windows are literally facing me and I’m doing the opposite of that. I’m just sitting on my couch with a tub of ice cream and no pants on. DON’T YOU LOOK AT ME. And you know what? They can’t.
Our shutters are also operated by a hand held remote. THEY’RE ELECTRIC! I took a short video of me performing this act and attempted to post it but it wouldn’t work and I thrive on giving up on things super quick, so just imagine our balcony shutter slowly opening, me saying “oh no, never mind”, and then slowly closing them. You would have loved it.
And it’s not just me who chooses this glamorous and borderline unhealthy lifestyle. Everyone’s doing it. It just feels right.
Not one shutter open. They could be doing anything in there.
If I haven’t done a good enough job at stating my case on why these shutters are better than curtains and you, here’s a brief summary:
1.) Complete Sun blockage. That means more heat blockage. And maybe your sick sticky body will be less likely to be stuck to your filthy garbage couch whenever you try to get up for any and many kitchen related food inquiries.
2.) No light. Meaning, the greatest hangover day guaranteed. So yes, it IS a great idea to skip dinner and then take that extra shot of tequila directly before going to sleep. Do you!
3.) People not looking at you. You can do whatever you want and ain’t nobody gotta know about it. Be naked. Eat Cheetos off of your bare stomach. Go ahead and watch that Toddler’s In Tiara’s marathon. Absolutely drink that wine right out of the bottle before rolling around on the floor singing “Kiss From a Rose” to your cat. Live your best life.
In conclusion, America get your shit together.